What is This Love?
I set out to write this blog recapping my first month of motherhood six weeks ago and yet as I cross over into the seventh week of writer's block, I've yet to be anywhere near finishing this post. I simply cannot find the words to adequately express the transformation I've experienced since Asher's birth. And, while I'm not quite sure I've found them, I do know that I've found a new me.. and I like her so much more. Here are just a few of my recent "a ha" moments.... Love struck. You see, I am a self-proclaimed lover of love. Call me a romantic, sentimental type, but when it comes to all things close to my heart... all I need is love. So, you'd think that since this baby grew inside of my belly for 10 long months... closer to my heart than anything before in my life, LOVE would have been the one thing I would have been prepared for the most. Wrong. This love is not like any other love I've known. It's an earth shattering, spidey-sense connection and complete and utter rapture of my heart not one pregnancy book writes about. Why is that?! I told my sister Emily that if I knew being a mom felt so amazing, I wouldn't have put building my business over building my family for so long. I have become an overnight expert. Somehow. A few weeks before my due date I asked my friend Serena who had just had a baby... "how did you know what to do? Did you read a book?" This just makes me laugh out loud! I was so worried that I wouldn't know what to do once I had Asher, but as soon as that boy popped into this world, God turned on the mom switch in my motherboard and I haven't felt in the dark once. Weird how that happens. It's funny. Before baby, I used to encounter countless people who would over share parenting advice and child rearing woes to the point that it became annoying. ANNOYING. I am one of those people now. It first started with the second-by-second playback of my labor to my two sisters prepping them for their future children (which I'm certain they are now scared for life because of) and continues with each pregnant lady I see in Target. All I want to do is share with every pregnant girl I see what products worked the best, what I couldn't live without, what was a waste of money and so on. Stop. It. Heather. Sleepless, Selfless Me. I have NEVER been a morning person. Never. So, a few weeks before I had Asher I slept in on a Saturday morning until 11:30a.m. I remember thinking to myself in disparity "Well, I won't be able to do this any longer soon, so I'll enjoy these last few fleeting moments of teenage-like sleep sessions." I was actually sad that I wouldn't have these ridiculously lazy days to waste away. My sleep deprived self is looking back on that conversation with my self in disbelief. What a selfish, shallow thought. I have more energy now taking care of two human beings (me and Asher) than I ever had just caring for myself. There is a new boss in town One of the greatest discoveries being Asher's mom has shown me is that a life lived for others is a life lived. Before baby I was a workaholic. And, while I don't consider that a bad trait, it somehow became my only trait. My parents always raised me to keep my eye on completing college and having a successful career so I never stopped to see myself as a mom. And really, up until the day I found out I was pregnant I still hadn't put myself in mom shoes. Relating to other moms has always been a weird thing for me because I couldn't understand all the women I knew who put their careers aside to raise their kids. I get it now. To see my son learn new things everyday and to be the ultimate source of survival for him is the most gratifying feeling in the world....nothing compares. While I won't be ditching the board room for the play room anytime soon, I have found a whole new source of joy and responsibility no business could have ever given me. I know my schedule will never be the same and I'm okay with that. When I told my parents I was pregnant my mom said "Let the sacrifices begin" and honestly, I've never been happier to put my wants and needs aside for someone else before. This kid is one cool cat isn't he? ;-)